Exploring all aspects of near-death experiences (and related phenomena).
First I suppose I'll give some background to hopefully shed some light on what events led to my state of mind and my actions. Some of it may be completely irrelevant, but I'm including things that may have changed my thought processes and world view.
Growing up I was not incredibly religious, though I did attend church each week and definitely was aware of my spiritual companion. I usually seemed to find guidance through prayer, though my companion didn't always respond (I've come to believe that the lack of response was typically due to selfish requests, though I doubt my memory often these days). My church-going wavered during high school when my parents divorced for a year and I didn't again return in a major way.
After high school I began to race motocross (local pro, not national caliber) as well as progressing to freestyle mx and snowmobile videos. I was a pure adrenaline junky in the fullest sense, my adrenaline processing fully developed to the point of that feeling of freezing, shattering glass in your veins and absolutely full control during those time-slowing moments. I didn't shy away from life-threatening moments, in fact I pursued them for the intense fight or flight reaction they provoke and the awesome power you feel in the midst of them.
I had several severe crashes in this line of work starting in 1998 with a severe fracture of both ankles and my right leg, leaving my right leg 1/2" shorter than my left and both ankles surgically fused so that they now only move up and down. The lower, uneven-surface joint is what was fused. In the spring of 2000, I was attempting a backflip on my snowmobile but I hit the ramp too hard, didn't get tucked and attempted to throw the machine away from me. I was unsuccessful and it hit me in the side of the head hard enough to fracture 4 neck vertebrae, crush my helmet and give me a serious TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) that had me hallucinating and having strange balance issues for about 18 months or so. I'm not fully sure because I couldn't always tell hallucination from reality. This TBI really messed with my emotional control and seemingly erased all emotional connection I had to people and memories from my life. This loss of connection absolutely destroyed my marriage, as I had this light switch-like rage that would just appear for no reason and an unwillingness to put up with any crap (my interpretation of her actions, however incorrect it may have been) from my wife.
To give you an idea of how far out of reality I was, I nearly killed my best friend when he took some fries off my plate one day, strangling him until this look in his eyes like that of a dying deer (if you've ever been hunting) snapped me out of it. He forgave me, said that my eyes didn't even look human at that time, more like a wild animal.
In the spring of 2001, definitely not yet recovered from my brain injury, I dropped a cliff on my snowmobile and overshot the landing, breaking an elbow and stretching a bunch of tendons or muscles (I had no health insurance and didn't pursue treatment after a cat scan showed no breaks in my back, which was giving me massive pain). I knew that I had done something to my back but just assumed it was things stretched or out of place and figured I just had to suffer through it.
For the next 5 years I slipped slowly from society. I would start feeling better, get a job and stick with it until one day I'd lift something heavy or twist myself badly and the back pain would return with a vengeance, far too strongly to keep working. This time was filled with more and more alcohol, finally tiring of drinking and pursuing marijuana to numb the pain. My marijuana use finally reached a level where I was so tired of it and seemingly unable to quit that I called the cops on myself to force a quit. This worked, though I very rapidly found out why I had been so overboard. The back pain was back beyond all belief and I was in bed almost all day, every day. My parents sent me money and I went to a chiropractor who finally decided to x-ray my spine because it felt strange to him and found out that I'd been partially healing and re-breaking my back for 5 years!
I finally seemed to have an end to the pain in sight and was so hopeful. I had back surgery in the summer of 2007, fusing the L5 and S1 vertebrae in the lower back. Things seemed so much brighter than they had in years.
I moved to Southern California and was pursuing a degree in CIS when the next spring my best friend of 14 years (yes, the one I had strangled) killed himself. I was numb, I didn't know what to think but I kept on going. I felt I was doing ok but then in September of the same year one of my closest cousins killed himself as well. It was at that point when my friend's death really hit me. I felt so incredibly guilty. I'd been dodging his calls for the last month before he killed himself, as he was so enthusiastic about riding MX bikes and I just felt the need to stay away from them to avoid further injury. I kept plugging away at school, but I was slipping. In the following February, my Psychology professor evidently noticed something in my questions in class and asked me to visit the school psychologist. She kept on me and I did finally do so.
The psychologist had actually lived in Indianapolis and had worked with a number of Nascar drivers who had also had long term chronic pain. She explained to me that over time, such pain would deplete the reserve levels of neurotransmitters in the brain, leaving our tanks dry and unable to lift us up when a major event such as my friend's death hit us hard. I was prescribed an antidepressant (an SNRI) and once again things began to turn around for me, the future seemed bright once more.
I'm unsure of the exact timeline here, but at some point within the next year my mother requested my help taking care of my paternal Grandfather, who was suffering severe dementia. At some point while helping her, he fought extremely hard one night and I once again injured my back, though it was somewhere in the upper back where it let go. I was again fighting pain of a very high level, bad enough to affect my vision most days. I slowly gave up hope.
Finally, in September of 2011 I began to plan an end to my life. I dropped out of my classes, cleaned up my belongings so as to leave as little mess as I could, and began praying. I had absolute faith in something after death, I'd had experiences that proved to me beyond any doubt the existence of something further. I'll relay one here:
I'm not sure what year, it was in the mid 90's, my brother and one of his friends were involved in some heavy drug use. He can't even remember exactly what they were on, but my brother and his friend decided that these bodies were nothing more than a limitation and decided to move on to the true existence. They drove out to a railroad crossing to find a train to jump in front of. Well, after a couple of hours and no train, my brother changed his mind. He came home and when I saw him crying I knew something was way off. I pressed him and he told me that his friend was going to kill himself. I told him that we were driving out there and immediately got on my knees to pray. This is the only time in my life that I've had someone talk to me during prayer. His friend told me, clear as day, that he was going to be fine, that he was not going to die. At that time I didn't think about what it meant that he was able to talk to me. We got in my truck and began driving out to that railroad crossing. About 5 miles away, an ambulance went past us heading back into town, driving incredibly fast. He had done it, but he'd jumped in front of a big rig at the highway crossing since there was still no train that morning. Incredibly, though he was dead when the medical crews reached him, he was resucitated and life flighted to a major hospital where he did recover. My brother's friend told me in the hospital that 'they' told him on the other side that he was being stupid and they were sending him back.
That experience is why I was not afraid to kill myself, but I did want to pray and make sure I wouldn't be damned. Well, my response from the spirit was loving. I took it to mean that I would not be damned by killing myself and so I planned it out.
This story has become pretty long so I won't go too much into my planning, but I decided to use car exhaust. I did this because I've always been proud of my ability to conquer fear and thought that this should be the most exquisite fear reaction I'd ever faced. I wanted the option to quit to be there, so that I would have to remain strong and prove myself worthy. I think that this mindset may have been why the spirit seemingly ok'd my suicide attempt, that or the fact that I did have love for others in my heart. I was not the person I'd been pre-brain injury, though only after this suicide attempt have I come to realize how different I'd become.
Well, I'll jump to the actual event. I was sitting in my car, exhaust fumes growing stronger when finally my vision began to narrow. It seemed like some geometric shapes spiraled in from the outside of my vision, closing it off. I began to get excited. Finally! The greatest mystery was about to be revealed! Well, it has not been revealed to me. I don't think it needed to be revealed to turn me back. I was suddenly in the void. This place was nothingness. No light, no dark, no sound and no access to memory or any visual cue. I can't describe the color of the place/not place because I don't know if it even was a color, though I can still see it to this day. All I know is that I was existing where nothing existed, and it was terrifying. I expected a tunnel, or a light. My sanity hung by a thread, but I was resolute. This was a necessary step, I was sure. I cried out my love for my parents and each sibling. I don't know what it means that I was able to remember their names though I didn't seem able to access my memories, it probably means nothing. I stayed strong, though it was not easy. Then something else happened. Three points of emanation formed in the void. I understood them to be my closest brother and both of my parents. These 3 points were broadcasting what seemed to me to be the full amount of love they had felt for me, and I for them, for my entire life. However, they also were broadcasting the full amount of pain and grief that they were going to feel for my suicide for the rest of their lives. This pain and grief was of a level beyond belief, an overpowering wall of emotion that was beyond resisting. I didn't feel that I even made a choice, I was driven from that place instantly. My vision returned and I fumbled for the door lock, throwing myself out of the vehicle and staring up at the stars as my chest heaved violently and struggled for air. I didn't know what to do. I'd been so ready to go, it still seemed like the right thing to do, but the consequences far too high. I still feel lost, I have damaged my body so greatly that living just doesn't seem very bright. But, I cannot consider suicide any longer. The cost is just too great.
There is something else that I carried out of that place, a seed within my heart that I think must be the path I need to take, though I don't know how to accomplish it. Each time I think of this seed, which is love, the spirit lights up within me and affirms it. The love I speak of is unconditional, love for all. Even love for people who do terrible things. I understand that sometimes violence must be visited on those who would cause greater harm, but it has to be the very last resort.
When I think of this love, I see our world covered by a vast, dense web. The web is the emotional connections that exist between each person on Earth, I've taken it to calling it social cohesion as it seems to bind us together, but I'm not sure that's the right term for it. In places where there is conflict and war, this web is damaged terribly. The damage extends far from the battlefield, into every family touched by death or injury of anyone caught up in the events of destruction. This collateral damage dwarfs the pain caused by the fighting itself by such a great amount that I just can't justify war any longer, except as the very, very last resort, when fighting would extinguish the light of hope for entire populations.
I still have no idea how to implement and spread this message of univeral love, no idea how to break this divide in our nation and our world. I have just a spark of hope for life and it barely seems to be alight within me. My attempts to communicate it so far have been ridiculed and rebuffed by most. I fear that this world is doomed, I hope not but I see a thousand paths to overwhelming destruction for every faint, fragile path to peace.
The only thing that matters in this entire world is love. I've read many NDE experiences in the last few days and it resonates with what I came to believe, that each of us can improve the world around us through friendly, worthy actions toward others, ESPECIALLY those who treat us ill. Most of those people want friendship and love, though they may not even understand it themselves.
This story turned into an essay and I apologize for the length. I've never written about this before and words just started flowing as I began going back through the tenuous memories of my damaged brain. I hope that this explanation of my experiences helps someone. Please just remember, the pain doesn't end when you end upon this earth. It spreads out from you on this emotional web and affects more people than you can imagine. Please reconsider, or if you must try it please pick a way that you can reverse. I can't imagine the horror of those who came to the same realization I did as the bullet fired, or the noose tightened. Please think of all those who are left behind.
I'm glad you shared your story. I'm also glad that we had the instant messenger chat earlier this afternoon.
Before you became a member of The Network, I had given a link to an interview with a fella named John White. I'm giving the link here so you can consider going and reading John White's words: http://www.enlightennext.org/magazine/j19/white.asp. His is a positive, encouraging message about the world and human kind moving into the next stage of evolution. Maybe you'll take a look and see the hope that he offers and why he's offered it. NDEs are a part of it and your NDE is a part of the whole movement forward into an evolutionary process that will take the human species forward and into a better place.
If you decide to read it, please let me know what you think of John White's interview, his thoughts, and his life.
I send positive thoughts and regards.
Thanks for sharing that link. The idea of continuing and accelerating evolution of our species is intriguing and very hopeful to me. It's sad to think that any change may only be forced by a level of suffering beyond what we can accept, but it makes sense. The loud and intolerant voice of gnostic atheism has reached such a level in this country that I don't see how we can convince society to accept the divine, but I know that my limited point of view is unable to see all possibilities and I do pray that it occurs. I have a close friend who is an outspoken atheist and in spite of years of working on him and relaying experiences of mine that convince me of the divine, I've never managed to crack his shell. I do hope for our future as a species, but I fear so greatly for the suffering it will take to bring us there.
Thanks again John, discovering this web site has been very good for my soul. I have a little more hope than I had a week ago.
Steve! I wanted to add more to our discussion from an excerpt from Matthewbooks.com, (messages tab on the right side) with the collective consciousness. This reliable source is one that I briefly mentioned earlier, but didn't label it yet. You are consistent with many clear messages I've read, and I want to thank you for delivering it. I've kept your image in my mind of your clearly written impression of the collective consciousness, which keeps building momentum with memorizing what you wrote. This is an impressive foundation for our ascension, because it places emphasis that we are collectively together in this. Some play the "heavy" part, others play a lighter stability, all with respects of balancing our duality. Matthew's messages gives us assurance and a guide to see beyond the veil of forgetting our Light. I posted his message on my home page and you can also find it on line.
March 1, 2010: From our vantage point that permits viewing the collective consciousness, we know that few are buying into those scenarios, none of which is part of Earth’s destiny. Even those who still are slumbering insofar as understanding that these moments at hand are fast leading to Earth’s Golden Age are aiding the light by refusing to live in fear of “possibilities.”
Nevertheless, let us insert at this point a reader’s question: “Fear can be directed positively, so why do you keep saying that we must stay out of fear?” We say “stay out of fear” because its magnified energy prevents light from reaching consciousness, thereby keeping individuals mired in third density, unable to evolve spiritually and intellectually. Fear precludes sound reasoning, common sense, logical questioning and the will to rise up against tyranny and corruption—that is why puppets of the dark forces were able to control the peoples of Earth for many millennia. The dark ones “feed” on the energy of fear—without it, they cannot exist!
It is with elation that we see fear subsiding in the collective consciousness, but it’s as potent as ever on an individual basis. Through the universal law of attraction, the energy of fearful individuals goes out into the universe and attracts matching energy; like a boomerang it returns and brings with it still more fearful circumstances for the person to deal with. Anyone who is “courting” fear in the belief that it can be directed positively is playing with fire. It would be confusing that powerful negative energy with its more powerful opposite: the positivity of living steadfastly in the light, which gives rise to the self-confidence, spiritual strength, courage, wise judgment and determination that can overcome hardships encountered.
It is true that billions are living in fearful conditions that are harsher or of longer duration than they needed to complete those aspects of their soul contracts. It is in these instances that contracts are amended at soul level so those persons can leave Earth lifetimes before finishing other karmic provisions, and by divine grace, they are credited with full completion of third density karma. In other instances, the original contract calls for a short lifetime in those dire circumstances—that is enough to balance other lifetimes, and the souls move forward in spiritual evolvement. In both cases, the dual benefits are that the fear energy formerly on the planet is gone and those souls are beaming their light from Nirvana to Earth.
Hi Steve! wow, beautifully written bringing us all into your experience. I loved reading about your description of the web consciousness, it all reminds me of reading (one of his messages describes what you've said) from one of my favorite web sites, Matthewbooks.com :D
I know exactly what you mean with trying to tell others the gift of unconditional Love. A few thoughts floated into my mind when I read your description of the collective consciousness web. Since my NDE, I've communicated in other densities, which has included ET's and a most memorable "conversation" with an enlightened collective soul group. Their description was referring to a cloud, with all the water particles dancing in light, being attracted to each other with an enlightened frequency of Light only. I asked when will I be able to talk with you again after our discussion and they said they don't have any words that describes "when will I see you again," because they're always present, there is no separation and they don't know of being away from the Light.
My NDE involved healing in a University in Heaven, or what I like to call Nirvana. We were taught how to attract Light using geometric shapes and quantum physics. It's simple manner of attracting like magnets attract, because that is one aspect of our nervous system communicate; positive and negative frequency flips along the axon (delivering) fiber before it reaches the target cell, which delivers the neurotransmitter, + charged sodium... I can facilitate Light frequency replacing voids, darken specks of fear, and what ever needs balancing through images I receive when I'm with someone. These images follow up with meditations evolving into Light and nothing else. After this, it's up to the person to create their momentum of change. So how easy is this now to deliver? Well, not many believe my experience. This weekend, I was at a fair delivering this message, and not many visited, but I gave Light meditations to about 7 out of a couple hundred who visited.
When I returned to chiropractic college after the accident, which took many months to remember there was a NDE and how bad the accident was. Many students would not believe my experience, a few would try to prove I'm a fake, that it was just a dream. Then a friend of mine died shortly after she graduated 2 quarters before I graduated, and visited me in my house the very next day (out of body). She was wanting to tell everyone that she no longer had any pain (she had cancer) and was free feeling light enough to fly if she wanted! The "atmosphere" held only Light, profound love that filled her up. But nobody was listening to her. I said, "well Kelly, you are out of your body, and they can't see you." She left kissing my on my left cheek, and took off with an overwhelming joy and excitement for her next adventure.
If you visit Matthewbooks.com, on the right, you'll find a "messages" tab, which has all his messages he gives (about once a month) and also includes a message (don't remember which date it was) regarding what happens when one leaves the physical. He related it to those few who have caused harm, death, hopelessness, etc. feelings with others. They will all at once, feel the pain they created for those who they caused pain, emotional and physical. Unless they reverse their "program," their actions, they'll be involved with others of like kind...like attracts like. Constantly, they'll have light offered by highly evolved angels/beings (they're one with the collective consciousness also), but it's their choice to consciously join in the collective awareness of Love. That which you called a web. Oh, how I loved reading your version! It's beautiful!
I would like to also consider that we're not just (separate) sparks, because that is how I've also felt, but that we recognize there are many other sparks adding to our collective awareness. It's all up to our free will, whether or not Light is accepted, but I've heard there are many who see our Light's shine. Hearing your gifted story confirms we are all making a difference. :D
Thank you for the suggestion of Matthewbooks.com. I've read a bit of material and there is plenty more! As to people not believing your NDE, I think everyone has an experience tailored to what they most likely need, or well it would make sense to me that way. But other scenarios also make sense too. Hm, I see that I was trying to pin NDE's down with a single rule, when of course the variety of situations is as diverse as the number of people in them. Breaking the old thought patterns is challenging me greatly. I have so much to learn, and I am still so unworthy.
Hey, just saw your post, and thanks for your comforting thoughts. Most don't think it is possible, but I found out others have the same experience that I did (attend school vs. only seeing relatives, or being above the operating table...).
I gave an introduction to NDE's in a local meet-up group, and happened to run across "Complete Idiot's Guide to NDE's" This extensive research involves 4 types. My book isn't close by, but it explains more of the variations. It's a nice book to read with many people who have reported their own experiences, what their life was before and after, and the difference the NDE made for themselves and others.
About two paragraphs into this story the urge to carefully read it to the end felt strong because the writer (Steve Medrano) communicated (to me) extraordinary and very believable sincerity and caring for humanity. I suspect that the personal relating of his story to the troubled people he describes would be an effective antidote to many who seriously consider suicide. His not knowing what to do with his life makes me want to suggest that he seek groups that try to help such people and offer his services in the form of relating his experiences, publicly, along with the certainties he feels he has discovered from them. He clearly wishes to help others and his sincerity would likely be highly effective in redirecting many, giving him the fulfillment that I suspect would make him feel "complete" with his life and be both a frequently given gift to others and the gift to himself that he seems to deserve. One word seems appropriate - powerful.
Jeremiah, I agree, what the world needs now has always been love. When we as a collective soul group hold Light, that will affect everyone involved, even dark ones who have created the mess we're in.
Thank you for the comments everybody, it's been very uplifting and refreshing to read such positive and mind-opening thoughts. My attempts to reach out beyond my circle of family and friends have been largely rebuffed, the experience on this web site has been completely different. I've learned things that I'd never considered and it's definitely helping me grow.
It's a comfort to see people who are open and supporting with an experience that can't be touched or communicated in the usual way. This isn't about separating one single person's experience, although our combined experiences enhances our strength. I see the network is about gathering together with Love, Light and acceptance.
Those who choose to not carry their inner torch will attract others of like kind. Whatever anyone's vision is or conforms to, whether they see the possibility or not, all I can do to those dear to me, is see Love/Light only. Nothing else.
Steve, you are one who knows. Your thoughts are in line with others of a highly evolved voice. It's that comfort that you carry that others will see, and ask you your secret.
I hope it means a little bit more now when you hear and experience that you are welcomed here. We all have much to share and contribute. We all benefit. All means you are included. Again, we are happy that you are with us now. Welcome home.